I cannot stand this person.

He is such a tough nut to crack.

I don’t want to get into a meeting with this person. 

Oh! It is so frustrating to deal with this person

When you read these statements did you visualize a person with whom you have had difficulty interacting. It may be personal or professional relationship. If not pause now and see if you can think of a person with whom you are having tough time building a relation. What is it about this person that makes it difficult for you? Can you list down the behaviors of this person that you find difficult to deal with?

Let me share my own example. The other day I was interacting with this prospective client of mine and somehow I was not feeling comfortable with the way she was communicating; the direct, task-like approach. I was almost ready to let go of the business because I did not want to deal with her. I spoke to a mentor of mine who suggested analyzing my experiences to see if I had similar experiences earlier. I then went into a reflection mode and started identifying all those individuals with whom I had a challenge. I listed their behaviors and noticed that I found it frustrating to deal with few people who raise their voice, keep getting into nitty gritty details, and ask me specific details, timelines and someone who come across as boisterous.  The same set of people was seen as role models, friendly by their clients and others. 

Now, list your own behaviors when interacting with this person.  Is it possible that not only this other person but there is a group of people feeling frustrated to work with you or build relations with you?

Are you someone who is difficult to get along with? Do all those who interact with you find it difficult to build relations with you?  My guess is it is not the case. Likewise, the person that you interact with and finding it difficult probably has her own fan club. What then is the challenge?

The challenge is not about dealing with difficult people but it is about dealing with different personality. Each of us has our own traits and characteristics when it comes to our personality. Some of us may be very emotional in nature and may want more spontaneity in life, more surprises and recognition. Such a person may like to talk a lot and may find it offensive if someone cuts them off or does not reciprocate this behavior. Now, when this person talks to someone whose personality is that of being objective, analytical, systematic, someone who may not talk much they will find it difficult to get along. It is simply because each person is talking from their own perspective. The personality influences the way we communicate.

What is to be done is to flex the way we communicate. Understand the personality of the other person and see if we can communicate in their language (language of their personality). i.e. when talking to an action oriented person can we be very clear and direct and tell what is expected to be achieved than trying to beat around the bush and engage in small talk. When talking to an emotional person can we spend that little time building rapport and are conscious of their feelings.

Few tips to flex your communication 

Here are few suggestions to improve the way you deal with the “difficult people”. It may look artificial when you first start practicing but do not worry. Continue to practice.

Listen to the person and observe their behavioral aspects. Whatever be the assessment of the personality, listening to what they have to say is very important.

Pay attention to the facts, feelings, what is being said, not said, inferences, resistances etc.

Stay Calm while listening to what the person has to stay. If you are going to react and allow your emotions to take over chances are you will get defensive.

Ask Questions to understand more of what the person is communicating.

Open ended questions allow the other person to speak more. This will help you to understand the underlying need of the person and address it better

Empathize with the person when there is a need. Get in touch with the feelings of the person. This helps to build better rapport.

Clarify to make sure what you have understood. Focus on what is being said and the process of communication. Don’t get hung up on judging the other person.

Take a break if you feel you are not able to be in the present and listen completely. It is ok to take a time out and continue than pretending to listen 

Vent out with someone you trust so that the frustrations are not bottled up. Otherwise you may end up carrying it to another meeting and making someone else a scapegoat for your anger

Few tips to understand different personality traits

There are multiple tools to assess the personality of an individual. Each tool offers a perspective based on the inputs provided by the test taker. (I use Enneagram to help individuals understand their inner self).  What I am going to share now is one way of looking at the personalities.  This approach is based on the studies of Carl Jung.

Emotional – emotional people who likes to talk a lot, sensitive and sentimental, warm and friendly. They can relate to their feelings and that of others too.  They tend to carry lot of memories and judge people based on values. They like spontaneity and surprises.

Creative – creative and imaginative, absent-minded, likes to talk about various topics, looks for intellectual stimulation, enjoys variety, likes to ask lot of “why” questions, wants to understand the big picture.

Analytical – systematic, organized, meticulous people driven by data. Objective, perfectionist, needs to analyze data before making decisions, looks for granular details, takes time to make decisions, set stretch goals, need reassurance

Action-Oriented – goal-oriented, restless, direct style of communication, acts and then thinks, moves faster, wants to make decisions, does not want to waste in general small-talk.

To understand more about the personality traits, contact us