‘AEIOU’ of Communication
“Who you are is speaking so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying – Ralph Waldo Emerson”
I was working with these clients of mine, a couple, who had approached me talking about the challenges that their child faced. After a couple of sessions the discussions drifted towards the relationship between the couple and how their last two decades of married life went by. One thing that clearly emerged as an insight to all of us during the sessions was there was no clear communication between the couple. Imagine, living with another person all those years and still not being able to communicate clearly.
This could be happening at your work place too. You may have spent your entire career in an organization only to realize at some point that no one was really listening to you. The pain of such a realization is so deep and hurtful that you want to talk to someone about it but wait, who is listening?
When it comes to building a relationship in any area of life one essential factor is how effectively we communicate with the other person. This includes the relationship that you are building with your own self. Most of the issue we face in our areas of life be it personal or professional can be traced back to one aspect – Communication.
In this article, I am going to talk about the ‘AEIOU’ of communication. No, it is not an article on the language part or what roles the vowels play in communication. It is about 5 key factors required to make communication effective.
A – Active Listening
Viktor Frankl, one of the great psychiatrists of the twentieth century, survived the death camps of Nazi Germany. His little book, Man’s Search for Meaning, is one of those life-changing books that everyone should read. Frankl once told the story of a woman who called him in the middle of the night to calmly inform him she was about to commit suicide. Frankl kept her on the phone and talked her through her depression, giving her reason after reason to carry on living. Finally, she promised she would not take her life, and she kept her word. When they later met, Frankl asked which reason had persuaded her to live. “None of them”, she told him. What then influenced her to go on living, he pressed. It was his willingness to listen in the night
Sometimes all that the other person wants you to do is listen. This goes a long way in building that trust and at times is a question of life and death. Lot of times we use the word ‘listening’ but we don’t actually listen. We, perhaps are at best hearing things. How many times have you approached a person stating you want to talk and the other person said I ‘m listening only for you to see that they are busy with their laptop, mobile or some other work.
Listening is a psychological activity where you have to listen to what is said and what is not said, listen with your ears and eyes. There is a need to practice linear (thoughts and feelings) and non-linear listening (congruence, absence of information, presence of body language, inference and resistance).
E – Empathy
Put yourself in another person’s shoes to understand what they are going through. We have heard this so many times. A further addition to this is to wear others’ shoes after removing your own. What will help build that relation is connecting to the other person emotionally. To do that you should be in touch with your feelings. More importantly, label your feelings correctly in a way that captures the correct intensity too.
I – Intention
Communication is a process of transferring thoughts from your mind to the receiver’s mind through various channels. Through your behavior the other person will only see what you do not what you intended to do. Hence we say your intention and behavior should align for better understanding and communication. All of this can happen only if you are clear on what your intention of communication is. You need to be clear in your head on the what, why, when, where of communication. Only then you can help others gain clarity of what you are saying.
O – Open ended questions
From our young age some of us are conditioned not to ask too many questions because we are concerned about the consequence of asking and fear of judgement. Even when we do ask it is likely to be closed ended questions for which a simple yes or no response can be given. To establish that connect, to empathize and let the other person express, it is important to ask more open ended questions.
U – Understanding
You may be listening, empathizing but unless the speaker knows about it there is no way that trust is going to get built. One way to ensure you are on same page is use the time when the speaker pauses to clarify what you have understood. Paraphrase in your own words what is it you have understood from what was being shared. This way if there is a gap, the speaker can correct it. When we choose not to do this then we assume that we have understood and this may prove to be a challenge later on.
There you have it, the AEIOU of communication. Like any other skill, listening is a skill that requires practice. So start from today. You have nothing to lose but lot more to gain by a simple act of listening. You never know the kind of life saving impact it may have on the other person.
